


I was born to be a soldier

by Ducksgoquack



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Character Death, Crying, Gen, Hailey is a good friend, How Do I Tag, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Literal Sleeping Together, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, a lot of it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:34:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23854663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ducksgoquack/pseuds/Ducksgoquack
Summary: Jay gets a devastating phone call.Yeah I kinda suck at summaries but this was inspired by Jay and Mouse’s argument in 4x05.
Relationships: Greg "Mouse" Gerwitz & Jay Halstead, Jay Halstead & Hailey Upton, Jay Halstead & Will Halstead
Kudos: 80





	I was born to be a soldier

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work in this fandom so I hope you all like it.

Jay sat at his desk staring blankly at his computer, exactly as he had been doing for the past god-knows-how-many hours. It had been a long day, they had been working case after case these last few weeks and since there’s no specific case that the superintendent wants Intelligence working on Voight decided to give them the shift to catch up on all their paperwork. The bullpen was silent except for the tapping of computer keys which is why no one could really blame him when he practically jumped out of his skin when the shrill sound of his ringtone cut through the quiet of the office. He looked at the caller ID but it was blocked, he frowned but decided to answer it anyway, just in case it was something important.

“Hello?” He answered.

“Is this Specialist 4 Jay Halstead?” Jay immediately felt his shoulders tense and he straightened up in his seat at the sound of his army rank. Hailey looked up having noticed him tense and silently asked if everything was alright, he just smiled back at her and shrugged trying to tell her that he wasn’t sure what was going on even if, in the back of his mind he had an idea but that was a thought that he didn’t want to think could even be possible. 

“Yes, this is him. May I ask what you’re calling about ma’am?” 

“I believe you are the next of kin for Specialist 4 Greg Gerwitz-” Jay felt his heart start to beat faster as he dreaded the next words out of her mouth as if, if she didn’t say them he could pretend Mouse was still alive, still fighting for their country, he could hear the sympathy in her voice as she spoke the next words, “-I’m very sorry to inform you that Specialist 4 Greg Gerwitz was killed in action.”

Jay felt the colour drain from his face as he struggled to find words to reply to her. He cleared his throat once before replying, “um o-okay thank you ma’am,” he wasn’t really sure what to say, he’s never gotten a call like this before and the last thing he wanted was to break down on the phone to some stranger and especially not here in the bullpen in front of his colleagues who were not-so-subtly glancing at him every five seconds with a mixture of concerned and confused expressions. 

The rest of the conversation with the woman on the phone was a blur but he took in the useful information such as when and where the funeral would be held; nine days' time in Chicago, the same place his dad’s funeral was in and the same place Terry’s funeral was in. 

When the call was over Jay stood up from his desk and made his way to the locker room as quickly as he could, hoping that no one would follow him. He sat down on the bench by his locker and pulled out the picture of him and Mouse in their uniforms just before their first tour together, they were in their dress uniforms and had their arms around each other's shoulder both wearing the biggest smiles on their faces, the smiles expressing their innocence and oblivion of the horrors that awaited them. He thought of all the memories he had with Mouse, good and bad, their first night overseas, their first night home, their first 4th of July after they got home attempting to keep each other grounded each time a firework went off. 

The sound of footsteps brought Jay back to the present and he scrubbed fiercely at the tears he hadn’t even noticed falling down his face before he looked up at Hailey standing in the doorway, concern and mild confusion evident on her face. 

“Jay?” She asked cautiously, “what’s wrong? What was that call about?”

Jay knew she wanted to help and he wanted to answer her, he really did, but as soon as he opened his mouth to tell her that his best friend, his brother-in-arms, the one person who was there for him when he needed it had died, no, had been killed, he couldn’t find the words to say any of that, instead a broken sob escaped his lips and he gave in to the tears that had been threatening to overwhelm him. Hailey was beside him in an instant, wrapping her arms around him as his body shook violently with each sob, though he kept his mouth closed firmly, refusing to allow another sound to leave his lips. Hailey just kept her arms on him comfortingly, not really sure how to deal with this side of Jay, she had never seen him like this before, even when his dad died he hadn’t been this distraught. 

When the silent sobs and shakes finally calmed down, Hailey tried to ask him what was wrong.

“..M-Mouse..” was all he could get out through his tears that were still streaming down his face. 

Hailey had heard stories of the former civilian tech employee, with the strange nickname, who had served in Afghanistan with Jay. She knew he had re-enlisted about four years ago and that Jay had been less than happy with his decision but beyond that Jay hadn’t told her much and the rest of the team seemed to know about as much about their relationship as she did. Her mind was reluctantly piecing together all the information, but before she could come to the gut-wrenching conclusion herself Jay was speaking again. 

He pulled away from Hailey, his wet cheeks flushing with embarrassment as he stared at his hands which were clasped tightly together, “sorry- sorry I-”

“Jay, you’ve got nothing to be sorry for,” she told him gently, “we’re partners, we support each other when things get tough.” 

Jay glanced up at her hesitantly, reaching his hands up to rub - a little too roughly, in Hailey’s opinion - at the remaining tears in his eyes, before he attempted to explain the phone call again. 

“That call, um, well, you know I’ve um I’ve told you about Mouse? T-the tech guy that used to work here before he re-enlisted?” Hailey nodded, prompting him to continue, “well, uh he-” Jay paused as his voice caught in his throat, he took a moment to compose himself as Hailey put a comforting hand on his, “he was killed.” It came out in a choked whisper that Hailey could barely hear, as if, if he said it quiet enough it wouldn’t be true. 

Although Hailey was no stranger to seeing people fall apart after being told that a loved one had died, hearing the broken words of her partner as he tried to wrap his head around his best friend’s death was something she was not prepared for. 

\----

After Jay had composed himself enough that he was able to walk steadily, he and Hailey made their way to Voight’s office, Hailey giving the team a silent message not to say anything as they passed through the bullpen. Voight looked up as the partners walked in, taking in Upton’s reassuring hand on Halstead’s tense shoulder, his red rimmed eyes and the way he avoided eye contact as he took a seat on the couch next to Upton. Jay quickly and quietly explained the phone call, not looking up once, not until Voight asked if the unit should go to the funeral. A sad smile crept onto his face and he nodded saying he thinks Mouse would like that.

Jay didn’t protest when Voight gave him a week off or when he told Hailey to drive Jay home, which emphasised just how much this was going to affect him for the next while. 

\----

Later on Jay and Hailey were sitting in Jay’s apartment watching some documentary that neither of them were really paying attention to; Jay because he was too busy blaming himself for Mouse’s death, for not stopping him from re-enlisting, or maybe Jay should’ve re-enlisted with him, then he could’ve been there to stop him from being killed and Hailey because she was too busy watching Jay for any signs that he was going to break down again so she could support him if and when he did. She knew that if he talked to her, told her whatever theories he has that means Mouse’s death was his fault - because she knows that’s more than likely what he was doing - then she’d be able to help, be able to at least try and convince him that Mouse’s death was in no way his fault, however, she also knew that if she tried to make him talk he’d pull away from her so she just had to be patient and wait for him to talk. 

“I fought with him,” Jay said suddenly, reaching for the tv remote to turn the volume down a little bit but not all the way so he could still use it to escape the conversation if needed. “Just before he went back in, we fought, he told me that he was born to be a soldier and if it came down to it he’d die one.. I told him he was crazy but then uh Erin made me realise that I couldn’t stop him from going back in if that’s what he really wanted,” he glanced at Hailey briefly before returning his gaze to the tv, there was a hint of disbelief in his tone as if he thought he could’ve stopped him if he tried hard enough. 

“She was right Jay, if it had been you who wanted to go back in would you have let anyone stand in your way?” Jay smiled at that remembering the conversation he had had with Erin all those years ago. 

“That’s almost exactly what she said but,” he paused for a moment, wringing his hands together nervously.

“But..?” 

“I could’ve gone back in with him..” Jay finally whispered. 

“Jay-”

“He was my best friend and I should’ve done everything I could to keep him safe!” Jay snivelled as tears once again made an appearance on his face. 

“Jay, you know even if you had gone back in with him, he could still have died. And it may have resulted in both of you dying..” Hailey told him softly, afraid to upset him more but needing him to understand that he couldn’t have prevented Mouse’s death. 

But Jay wasn’t paying attention, he had his head in his hands with his elbows resting on his knees, his shoulders were shaking as he silently sobbed just as he had done in the locker room earlier that day. Hailey carefully put her arm around him, lightly at first so as not to startle him and then pulled him into her arms once she was sure he was as comfortable as he could be in that moment. They stayed like that all night; Hailey half-lying-half-sitting, propped in the corner of the couch with Jay lying with his head in her lap, crying until he fell asleep around midnight. Hailey knew they’d both probably have sore backs in the morning but she didn’t have the heart to wake him, he looked so peaceful, a huge contrast from the day and she also knew the next few days would be rough on him so she made herself as comfortable as she could without moving too much and fell asleep with him. 

\----

The morning of the funeral Jay dug out his army dress uniform from the bottom of his wardrobe. He grimaced as the smell of death washed over him and took a moment to compose himself before putting the uniform on. 

When Jay walked out of his room Will was waiting for him in the living room, he stood up as Jay ambled over to him and pulled Jay into a hug as soon as he was close enough, Jay tensed briefly but relaxed once he registered the touch properly. He buried his face in his older brother’s shoulder as a few tears rolled down his cheeks, when he pulled away Will’s shoulder was damp but Will didn’t seem to care, he kept his arm around his little brother’s shoulder as the two brother’s made their way down to Will’s car. 

The funeral was rough on Jay but having the unit and his brother there made it easier to stay strong throughout, though a few tears did escape his eyes as they were burying Mouse. 

Jay was the last one at the grave, the unit left after the church service and Will was waiting in the car to drive them to a pub or home or wherever Jay felt like going at that moment. He knelt down on the grass next to the headstone, not caring that his trousers were being soaked through from the wet, muddy ground. Jay reached out a hand almost shyly and traced his fingers along the letters that spelt out Mouse’s full name and army rank;   
_Greg Gerwitz  
Specialist Four U.S. Army  
Afghanistan  
October 10th 1986 - April 16th 2020_

He could feel the cold start to seep through his uniform jacket but at this point he didn’t care, he just wanted to spend some time with his best friend, he didn’t care that his trousers were almost completely saturated. Jay wasn’t sure how long he was sitting there for, hand stretched out lingering along the letters spelling out his best friend's name, thinking of the last hug they had shared together, almost four years ago now, before Will came up behind him. 

“Come on Jay, it’s freezing out here, let’s go home,” Will spoke quietly as if he was afraid to scare Jay. 

“I just- I don’t want to leave him..” Jay whispered back. 

“I know but you’ve been out here over an hour and your uniform is soaked, if you stay in it much longer you’ll get sick.” 

When Jay didn’t respond Will moved closer and put his hand around Jay’s shoulder, helping his brother stand up. It took Jay a minute to stand to steady himself on his feet, he bent down to fix the mini U.S. flag that was stuck in the ground next to the headstone. Will then led Jay to his car, Jay climbing in the passenger side and Will climbing into the driver’s seat. 

\----

Later that night once Jay had gotten changed out of his wet Ranger’s uniform and had convinced Will he would be fine alone in his apartment, he was sitting on his couch in the dark when there was a knock on his apartment door. He sighed wondering if he should just ignore it, if it was something really important they’d have called him right? He reached for his phone which was face down on the coffee table in front of him. Attempting to switch it on he sighed when he realised it was dead, he had hardly even used it today - damn Apple batteries. Jay made his way over to the door and opened it reluctantly. 

“Hailey! W-what are you doing here? Is everything alright?” 

“Will said you forced him to leave so I figured you wouldn’t have eaten, I brought chinese,” she replied, holding up a takeout bag before pushing past him into his apartment. She took out two plates and began to divide the food evenly.

“Hailey, you don’t-” Jay started to protest but Hailey held up her hand to stop him.

“Jay,” she said, attempting to look him in the eye, a bit difficult when he was trying to do the opposite, “look at me Jay.” When he didn’t react she moved closer to him and lifted his chin so they were looking each other dead in the eye. “I’m not leaving you alone tonight.” He gave her a quick smile before glancing away awkwardly and moving towards the food. 

\- - - -

Around midnight Jay tried to send Hailey home. 

“I’m getting tired, you should go home,” he said through a fake yawn. 

“That’s fine, you go to bed I’ll sleep on the couch, don’t want to wake Vanessa by going home this late.” 

“Right, but- um-” he wasn’t sure how to tell her that he didn’t want her there because he was almost certain he’d have a nightmare that night. 

Hailey knew what was going on, he had acted the same way when she had suggested he sleep over on her couch after he had come over after work and ended up staying later than planned. He gave in eventually but she was almost certain he got no sleep that night. “Jay if you’re worried about nightmares then you don’t have to be, okay? I’m not gonna judge you and I know not to touch you to wake you.” 

“Okay,” Jay sighed, too tired to protest anymore and stood up to go to his bedroom, when he reached the door he stopped and turned around, giving her a small smile, “thanks for coming over tonight.”

“What are partners for?” Hailey smiled back at him. 

“Night.”

“Night.”

\- - - -

It wasn’t until almost 3am that Jay startled awake with his first nightmare of the night. Hailey was perched on the bed beside him murmuring comforting words in an attempt to wake him, when she noticed he was awake she moved closer, he was still shaking from the fear he had felt in the dream and he flinched away from her when she reached her hand up to comb her fingers through his hair. He apologised almost immediately, Hailey telling him he had nothing to apologise for and Jay moved closer to her letting her know it was okay for her to come closer now. The two fell asleep tangled in each other’s arms and Jay managed to get through the night without being woken or waking Hailey by anymore nightmares. 

In the morning Hailey made coffee and breakfast for the two of them and they sat on the couch watching trashy cop films and pointing out all the things that were wrong, that’s how they spent the rest of their week until their week off was up and he insisted he was good to go back to work. Voight kept him on desk duty for a few days, despite his protests, knowing that Jay was still distracted. 

Overtime Jay learned to deal with Mouse’s death, he didn’t get upset when someone mentioned him or when something reminded him of him. Eventually he was even able to start telling the funny stories about him that he used to tell when he was drunk with Adam and Kev, his brother or some of his other friends from the army that he met up with from time to time. Although he knew no one could ever fill the Mouse shaped hole in his heart, the people around him made it easier to manage and the pain slowly but surely graduated from sharp, constant agony to a dull, manageable ache.


End file.
